midlife |midˈlīf|
noun
the central period of a person's life, generally considered as the years from about 45 to 55
crisis |ˈkrīsis|
noun ( pl. crises |-ˌsēz| )
a time of intense difficulty, trouble, or danger:
midlife crisis
noun
an emotional crisis of identity and self-confidence that can occur in early middle age.
Midlife and Crisis; alone these words are applicable to many; together they form an ugly expression of a modified definition of insanity. Most of us will see midlife and all of us have had crisis. I feel that I have hit my midlife stride. My son on the other hand feels I will hit it at age 50. I asked him “do you think I will live to be 100?” He responded, “yes you will live to be one hundred and mom will live to be 105.” I responded, “She will live to be 105 just to win, right?” We both laughed out loud and hardy, she when told later did not find this nearly as humorous. Anyway I digress so back to the topic at hand. As a member of the midlife club I would like to say I am not in crisis, not yet anyway. The very definition of crisis is a time of intense difficulty, trouble or danger. I have never had less difficulty in what I want or how I want it. I have had many years to hone this skill. I have difficulty in understanding why people do what they do. But, I am not having difficulty, emotionally or otherwise. Trouble with what, the only trouble I am having is watching people do the same thing over and expecting a different result (the true definition of insanity). Danger, this one is a little more difficult. My mother and my wife for that matter thought the purchase of the Harley put me in danger. So I guess to some degree I have put myself in the danger category. But since my midlife wife now finds the Harley exciting it has moved down on the danger scale.
I guess when I got the very large tattoo; but when you wait ten years to do something you go big or go home, this may have been a little on the danger side. I could have acquired an infection that could have taken me in my sleep.
I have never felt more alive than I do at this time in my life. I have come to the conclusion that I know nothing, and I don’t give a shit. I see things I missed before because I was in such a hurry to have the experience; I totally missed the reason for the experience. I am comfortable with who I am, mostly. I still have the character flaws I had when I was younger but I hope they are less exaggerated In my youth I would be more interested in how soon will we be to the next destination and totally miss the process of getting there.
Recently on my return from a cross-country motorcycle trip someone asked me the best part of the trip. I could have answered going into Canada, being able to say I left the country on my Harley with only the crap strapped to the back for us to survive. There is adventure in that, right? How we stayed in the Bates Motel for two nights in Alexandria Bay, NY and survived Norman and his mom. But really when I am asked I respond, “The morning Shelly and I left Pennsylvania at 6am for home, Yo Yo Ma playing on my iPod, the fog in the trees and the cool breeze as the motorcycle cruised up and down the mountainous terrain.” It felt as if we were flying with the eagles, not a worry in the world. We had accomplished a cross-country trip of over eighteen hundred miles, in one hundred degree weather and we lived to tell the tale.
I think I control my feelings better, some days better than others. I am more empathetic to those around me. My filters however have become looser over the years and I like to believe I can be more honest in a more empathetic way. I am sure I will get a lot of shit from those closest to me because they feel I should filter much more than I do. My patients however seem to like the candid approach I take with them. I guess they do anyway because they return.
I refuse to go back to the person who did things he did not want to do. I only spend time with people who I find interesting and I want to spend time with. I understand the value of money and yet I can still recklessly spend it when I want too. Friends and family have more value to me than any single or collective possessions I own. I understand boundaries and how to put them in place. I know Corporate America will bleed you dry and step over your cold dead body to get to the next greatest thing. I am not bitter about the things that have happened to me in my life. I embrace them; they have made me who I am today. I love to experiment and not always take the safe approach to a project or event.
I get asked “why” about the tattoo all the time. If you have one you know why. If you don’t then you may never understand. In some way it completes me and tells a story or event in my life. It is mine and nothing but death can repossess it. It is an outward expression of and inner feeling. It does not make me less of a person or reckless. I am asked equally “why”, about the motorcycle. This is in line with the tattoo, if you have one you get it. Words cannot express the feeling and adventure of the air in your hair and bugs in your teeth. Trust me on this one. I have always believed it took me till my forties to be able to afford the Harley, not a midlife crisis. Only old farts can afford the bike and all the accessories one needs to go along with it.
Almost 8 years ago I left my career in Addiction and Mental Health to practice Acupuncture and Chinese Medicine. Some thought I had lost my mind leaving a stable job with great benefits. My wife threw me off the cliff, it was she who told me to follow my bliss and take the risk. I now work two days a week and have been working on my list of things I want to do before I die. I had been the safety boy all my life only doing the things that were safe and the right things to do. This does not mean I am reckless in all I do and frankly I am still the safety boy and only bet on sure things most of the time. But I feel freer to express myself and take risk. I live in the present and not the past. The past is only present to keep you safe in the future. I have learned and enjoy much of my past but I try not to romanticise it too much. I believe the best of my life is yet to come.
“Life without risk is not a life lived”, someone said that but who I have no idea. I am too busy exploring to read these days. Real living and Serenity is achieved when you live without fear. When you take risk and find no one died because of your choice to do so. When you push yourself to an edge that you thought you could never. When you flirt and experiment with life and what it holds. Take chances and allow others to enter your space and participate in your process. I will never understand people who say they are bored; if you are bored you are not very interesting. I want to leave this planet able to say I have done the things I wanted to do. There is no need for a crisis intervention my spirit is doing just fine. If this is a midlife crisis then baby give me more, bring it on.
Signed
The Midlife Searcher of Crisis
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