“Love, and the gift of grief"

The holidays are upon us and as anyone will tell you this is the worst time of year for me, until this year.  Over the past several years I have encountered more grief than I have any other time in my life.  The grief of others has been and is still foreign territory for me.  I finally understand enough about this topic to fill a thimble and possibly overflow it. 

Recently a patient talked to me about the loss of her husband.  I have treated her and her husband as well as many other family members for years.  The loss of this man has left an incredible hole in the family.  She refuses to show those closest to her how badly she hurts and the toll it is taking on her.  She has aged significantly this past year.  She holds herself hostage with her grief because she feels in some way this helps her family, she must remain strong for them and for some strange reason she should punish herself.  Personally I believe if she would share her grief with them they could all begin to heal.  They respect her wish to stay strong and not talk about the pink elephant in the middle of the room and she is floundering miserably. The anniversary of his death is less than a month away.  I asked her how she was doing, as I had not seen her in months. She answered me as always “I am doing fine, I will be okay”.  What does that mean anyway; I will be okay to suffer for the rest of my life, I will be okay if no one presses me to acknowledge this loss is slowly killing me, what does that statement mean?  I could tell this was not the case at all, so I pressed her.  She quickly broke and so did her tears, which she quickly apologized for, why do we apologize when we hurt and we choose to be vulnerable?  She talked about sitting in his chair to be closer to him, how she would turn over in bed at night to tell him something only to find an empty bed, how she has finally decided to sell his truck but was unable until now because she thought it kept him near her.  But of all the things she said I was most struck by her comment that started with “I should have”, before she could finish I found myself cutting her off.  I hate when people live in the land of “I should have”.  I personally try hard to live my life without regret.  I apologized and asked her to continue; she said, “I should have told him I loved him more”.  I said “love is not a word but an action”, I have always been a huge advocate of actions speaking louder than words.  He knew she loved him, it was so clear when I would see them interact.   He would allow her to speak for him, even thou he controlled every other aspect of his life.  His eyes would sparkle when he looked at her and spoke her name, even after 60 plus years of marriage.  She could see slight changes in his health and report them back to me when he could find no progress or change.  Love is in the details not the words.  I hate when people recklessly say, “I love you”.  How can you love me you hardly know me. I think this is why I prefer action to empty words. 

Recently a friend’s father suddenly died and the friend asked me if I had been through something like this yet.  It really made me pause and admit that some day I would be the person who everyone in the room had come to console.  The hair on the back of my neck stood up as I faithfully tucked away the thought and remained in denial that I would someday experience more personal grief.  It is hard for most of us to imagine our lives without a parent or someone who has made a significant contribution to our lives.  But reality dictates we will all have the grieving experience if we live long enough.  If only it were like in the movies or a romance novel, and everything had a happy ending. 

I found out this weekend another friend in Arizona lost her husband this week.  My heartbreaks for her, she has contributed so much to my life.  It seems there is grief all around me and you might think between the grief and the holidays I would be ready to hurdle myself from the nearest cliff.  But it has had the opposite effect.  It has made me reflect on what I have and how lucky I am this holiday season.  I have it all and I know it.  Knowing when you have it all is the secret.  I have committed to stepping up my actions backed by words.  I have tried to remember this holiday season there are many who suffer in silence and yet get out of bed every day and move forward.  The only gift on my list worth asking for this year is the gift of compassion for those we love, and may their grief be swift and tolerable without regret.  I vow to eliminate the words “I should have, what if I, how could I, I regret that”, these words have no place in a life filled with action.  

I truly did not expect to find comfort in grief but I did. Sometimes the greatest lessons are found in the strangest places.  So in closing, to all my friends this holiday season, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanza, whatever and however you choose to celebrate, do it with intent and action.

No regrets……………………………